DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender): Understanding and Countering a Manipulative Tactic in Family Law

As family law attorneys, we frequently encounter cases fraught with emotional complexity and high-conflict dynamics. In such environments, it's not uncommon for manipulative tactics to emerge, designed to obscure and deflect or prevent the truth, evade accountability, and ultimately undermine a fair and truthful outcome. One such tactic, increasingly recognized in both legal and psychological circles, is DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.

DARVO is a psychological maneuver often employed by perpetrators of abuse, infidelity, or other harmful behaviors when confronted with their actions. Instead of acknowledging wrongdoing, the individual employing DARVO will:

• Deny: Categorically deny that the event or behavior occurred, or minimize its significance.
• Attack: Launch an aggressive counter-attack against the accuser (usually their spouse), questioning their motives, sanity, or credibility. They will often use their behavior or motives to accuse the opposing party such as accusing them of having an affair, a substance abuse problem or other similar actions they are actually engaging in. This attack can be highly personal and designed to provoke a defensive reaction.
• Reverse Victim and Offender: Through this process of denial and attack, the perpetrator subtly, or not so subtly, shifts the narrative to portray themselves as the victim of the accuser's alleged aggression, false accusations, or oversensitivity. The true victim is then cast as the aggressor or the one at fault, in the perpetrator's attempt to paint a false narrative.

Why is DARVO Particularly Prevalent and Problematic in Family Law?

The nature of family law often involves intimate relationships where power imbalances, emotional vulnerabilities, and long-standing dynamics can be exploited. In cases involving divorce, child custody disputes, or allegations of domestic violence, DARVO can be a potential weapon for several reasons:

• Emotional Stakes are High: The personal nature of family law cases means emotions are often raw, making it easier for an individual engaging in DARVO tactics to exploit vulnerabilities and create confusion. This is particularly true for even very aware and intelligent people.
• Lack of External Witnesses: Abusive behaviors often occur behind closed doors, making it difficult to find direct witnesses. This can empower an individual engaging in DARVO tactics to more easily deny their actions.
• "He Said, She Said" Scenarios: Without concrete evidence, cases can devolve into a "he said, she said" dynamic, which an individual using DARVO tactics can skillfully manipulate to their advantage.
• Impact on Credibility: If a client falls into the trap of constantly defending themselves against someone using DARVO attacks, their own credibility in court or mediation can inadvertently be undermined, giving at least some form of legitimation to allegations being made repeatedly.
• Re-traumatization of Victims: For victims, being subjected to DARVO can be profoundly re-traumatizing, forcing them to relive painful events while simultaneously being blamed for them and feeling the need to defend against false narratives.

Reasons why it is important to work with a legal professional familiar with DARVO tactics:

Recognizing DARVO tactics being used by an opposing party requires a careful eye for manipulative patterns. A knowledgeable, well-educated family law attorney should be familiar with:

• Immediate and absolute denials despite compelling evidence or consistent allegations.
• Rapid escalation of conflict and personal attacks when a party attempts to address concerns.
• Accusations that mirror the original allegations, but with the roles reversed (e.g., a client accuses their spouse of emotional abuse, and the spouse then accuses the client of being emotionally abusive).
• Attempts to portray themselves as the wronged party, often leveraging sympathy from third parties (e.g., friends, family, or even the court).
• A consistent pattern of deflecting responsibility and blaming others.

Strategies for Countering DARVO:

As a client, you need legal counsel who can help you successfully navigate and effectively counter DARVO tactics.

1. Your lawyer should educate you: The first and most important step is for your lawyer to educate you about DARVO. Understanding this tactic can empower them- and you- to recognize it, avoiding falling into the trap of endless defense, and validating your own experiences.
2. Focus on Objective Evidence: While DARVO thrives on emotional manipulation, evidence is its kryptonite. If your attorney understands these tactics they will work with you to gather evidence and document everything, including:
   • Dates, times, and specific details of incidents.
   • Texts, emails, voicemails (if legally permissible and relevant).
   • Witness statements, if available.
   • Journal entries (though understand their limitations as evidence).
3. Helping you to maintain Emotional Detachment: While being empathetic your lawyer should help educate you about avoiding getting drawn into the emotional drama. Maintaining a professional and objective stance, focusing on the facts and legal strategy.
4. Focusing on what matters and avoiding the "blame game": Your lawyers should be able to work with you and advise you against engaging in tit-for-tat accusations. Instead, focus on presenting your case clearly and factually.
5. Reframe the Narrative: When confronted with DARVO, gently but firmly reframe the conversation back to the core issue. For example, if a spouse denies an action and then attacks you, you might calmly state, "Regardless of the accusations being made now, we are here to address the documented incidents of X, Y, and Z."
6. Highlight the Pattern for the Court/Mediator: If the DARVO pattern is consistent, consider subtly or explicitly pointing it out to the court or mediator. Frame it as a pattern of behavior that hinders constructive resolution or reflects an unwillingness to take responsibility. This can be done by presenting the evidence of the perpetrator's shifting narratives and evasions.
7. Expert Testimony: In some complex cases, particularly those involving allegations of abuse, consider retaining a mental health expert who can speak to the dynamics of manipulative behaviors, including DARVO, and its impact on victims.
8. Prioritize Safety and Well-being: For clients dealing with high-conflict individuals employing DARVO tactics, ensuring safety and emotional well-being are paramount. This may involve seeking protective orders, therapy, or support groups.

Conclusion:

DARVO is an insidious tactic that can significantly complicate family law proceedings. By understanding its mechanisms, educating clients, and strategically employing evidence-based approaches, we can effectively expose this manipulation and work towards achieving fair and just outcomes for those who have been victimized. Recognizing the use of DARVO tactics isn't just about winning a case; it's about validating your experiences and protecting your from further harm. Reach out to Pingel Family Law today if we can use our knowledge and skill for your benefit at (816) 880-0077.