When many people hear the term "domestic violence," they envision physical marks: a bruise, a broken window, or a police report detailing an assault. However, for a lot of survivors of domestic violence, including often those in high-asset or high-profile professions, the most devastating form of abuse leaves no physical scars. It is an invisible architecture of domination known as coercive control. Coercive control is not a series of isolated "high-conflict" incidents; it is a strategic, patterned system of behavior designed to strip a partner of their autonomy, liberty, and sense of self.
As family law attorneys, we see how the legal system often fails to recognize these patterns, mislabeling them as "mutual conflict" or indicating that this is a “high conflict” family. To be a good advocate for a client in a coercive controlling situation, a legal professional must understand the anatomy of coercive control, its impact on children, and the specialized legal strategies required to protect survivors.
What is Coercive Control?
The traditional legal framework for domestic violence is "incident-based." A person hits another; a crime is committed. However, coercive control is a pattern of domination rather than a tally of physical strikes.
Coercive control functions like a siege. It involves the systematic restriction of a partner's freedom through:
- Isolation: Cutting the victim off from family, friends, and professional support.
- Surveillance: Monitoring movement, digital communications, and social interactions.
- Economic Exploitation: Controlling the finances, even when the victim is the primary breadwinner.
- Degradation: Constant verbal abuse designed to erode self-esteem.
The "System" of Domination
What is a "Control System?" A perpetrator might use a "honeymoon phase" of intense romantic interest (love-bombing) to establish early financial enmeshment. Once the victim is "trapped" perhaps by marriage or pregnancy, the perpetrator shifts to "tension-building," where the victim feels they are constantly walking on eggshells
What are the Common Tactics Used?
To the outside world, a coercive controller often presents as "Institutional Positioning”: appearing as a stable, church-going, or professional individual. However, within the home, this person uses several specific mechanisms used to maintain power:
1. Digital Surveillance and Stalking
Modern technology has weaponized control. A perpetrator can utilize surveillance to track the other party’s movements and even disable the home’s Wi-Fi during a forced entry to "defeat" security cameras. This level of premeditation is a hallmark of coercive control; it is not a "crime of passion," but a calculated effort to ensure the victim cannot seek help or document the abuse.
2. Financial and Economic Coercion
Many survivors are surprised to learn that financial abuse is a form of domestic violence. This can include:
- Demanding full transparency of the victim’s earnings while hiding the perpetrator's own.
- Critiquing spending on necessities (like childcare or groceries) while the perpetrator spends freely.
- Forcing a partner to over-function logistically while the perpetrator remains sporadically employed.
3. Isolation as a Weapon
Control cannot exist if a victim has a strong support system. Perpetrators often characterize the victim’s family or best friends as "problematic" or "toxic," slowly convincing the victim to set "boundaries" that actually results in total isolation. By the time the victim realizes they are in danger, their "world has narrowed" to include only the perpetrator.
The Children: How They are Tools of Coercive Control
One of the most heart-wrenching of coercive control focuses on the child-targeted coercive tactics. In these cases, children are not merely "witnesses" to abuse; they are weaponized to aid in perpetrating abuse.
Children as Tools of Surveillance
A perpetrator may use children to gain access to the home (such as asking a child for a garage code) or to monitor the other parent’s private life. This creates a devastating "loyalty conflict" for the child, who feels they must betray one parent to satisfy the other’s demands.
The "Measurable Correlation" of Stability
The impact on children is often reflected in their school performance. This "measurable correlation" is vital evidence in a courtroom. It proves that the child’s "behavioral issues" are not inherent to the child, but are a symptom of the "highly charged" environment created by the controlling parent.
Parentification and Role Reversal
Perpetrators often engage in "emotional role-reversal," treating the child as a peer or an "ally" against the other parent. This robs the child of their childhood, forcing them to navigate adult emotions and "regulate" the abusive parent’s moods to keep the peace.
The Danger of Leaving: Post-Separation Escalation
The most dangerous time for a survivor of coercive control is the moment they attempt to leave. When a controller loses their "unilateral power," they often escalate to "Extreme Danger" behaviors.
The Danger Assessment (DA) Instrument
Forensic experts use validated tools like Jacquelyn Campbell’s Danger Assessment to calculate the risk of homicide. This remains true even if the perpetrator has never "hit" the victim, as the intent to dominate through property invasion and weapon removal suggests a high risk of future lethal violence.
The "High Conflict" Trap: Why Standard Legal Frameworks Fail
For decades, family courts have used the term "High Conflict" to describe cases where parents cannot agree. However, national guidelines from the NCJFCJ and the APA now warn that this label is dangerous in cases of coercive control.
Why "Co-Parenting" is Contra-indicated
Standard court orders often demand "Joint Legal Custody" and "Co-Parenting Therapy." In a coercive control case, these are mechanisms for continued abuse. Joint Legal Custody gives the perpetrator a "veto power" over the victim's life, allowing them to block medical care or school choices as a means of retaliation.
- Co-Parenting Therapy assumes an equal power balance. In reality, it provides the perpetrator with a new audience to "gaslight" the victim and the therapist.
In situations of coercive control, shared decision-making is unsafe unless the abusive partner has completed specialized, accountability-based programming and demonstrated long-term behavioral change.
Legal Strategies for Survivors and Their Attorneys
If you are a survivor of coercive control, your legal strategy must be safety-oriented rather than "compromise-oriented."
1. Forensic Experts and Psychosocial Assessments
Hiring a forensic expert to conduct a "Psychosocial Assessment" can be the difference between a dangerous 50/50 order and a protective sole custody order. These experts can "translate" the history of digital logs, emails, and police reports into a clinical framework that the Judge can understand.
2. Protecting the "Paper Trail"
Coercive control leaves a digital trail. Our firm focuses on authenticating WhatsApp logs, OurFamilyWizard (OFW) communications, and audio recordings and text message logs to ensure that you have the evidence needed to prove up your concerns of coercive control. These contemporaneous records are often more persuasive than testimony alone because they show the perpetrator’s tone, frequency, and intent in real-time.
3. Safe Passage and Supervised Transitions
Until a perpetrator demonstrates rehabilitation, "Transitions" or supervised visitation programs are essential. These programs insulate the children from the conflict and prevent the perpetrator from using the exchange as a moment for surveillance or intimidation.
Finding the Path to Stability
The journey out of a coercive relationship is a marathon, not a sprint. Survivors often show remarkable "protective parenting" and resilience despite years of entrapment.
At Pingel Family Law, we understand that your goal is not just a "divorce," but the restoration of your autonomy and the safety of your children. We use the latest trauma-informed research to ensure that the court sees the "invisible cage" for what it really is and provides you with the key to leave it forever.
If you suspect you are being subjected to coercive control, do not wait for a physical incident to seek help. Contact our office today for a confidential consultation. It is crucial that you work with a knowledgeable family law attorney who understands coercive control.